In silence, some of our minds are loud. Many of us are rummaging through all the clutter that pollutes our train of thought and often times, we reveal through oral dictation, the very polluted thoughts we have; from biased opinions, to judgments, and uneducated guesses, to rotten remarks. Silence has had no choice but to…
I have been gone a while. I have come back a few times, to try and write something, but I didn’t. I didn’t think I had anything great to say. I read something the other day, that said, “where you are, is the perfect place to be, it’s where’s you’re supposed to be.” I don’t think people are living these grande lives that are displayed on Facebook and even blogs. I think I was so worried I’d sound so boring. But check out below, if you like. I talk about what I’ve been up to, and whats been new.
I know it was a while ago, but Christmas went ok. It actually went pretty well, since, most other Christmases since my early 20s have felt like shit. I don’t think my family changed. Maybe a little. I think I changed. Anyway, it went well.
I started frequenting a mental health support forum, online. I actually really like it and think its a good place to frequent. I feel supported there and support others. I also started getting more comfortable calling a helpline when I need to talk and no one is around. It had been helpful, but, now I’m volunteering in their office there, and I have been very shy about calling there. Perhaps I can find a different number to call.
I still don’t have a job, and actually my case may get closed for a little while at the support organization I was getting help at for employment. But I am working hard on my own. I just started seeing a new therapist who I like, and she is very professional. She’s going to help me explore my hesitancy and fear about working, and we are going to form a plan to start working. Someone once said to me, our relationships with our therapists is like shining a diamond. A diamond has many sides and facets. One therapist can help shine one side, another can help shine a different side. I am finding this to be true with switching therapists currently. One side was so shiny, really shiny, but there were things she couldn’t help me with. I really appreciated her, and liked her, because we clicked right away, when I started seeing her in 2015. My diagnosis changed, and she understood things about me that made me feel normal. I am normal (mostly, haha). But It was time to move on.
I started taking zumba classes at my local gym. I love it. I love to dance. I fell out of going to strength class since last December, but I want to go back. I went to the nature center to walk around too. I hadn’t been there in forever. I started going back to my knitting group. I still don’t really know anybody, except 1 person, but they’re nice. It’s still hard to get myself to do stuff, by the way. But I’m not giving up. I’ll never give up. Perhaps its my purpose to learn how I tick. I’ve started reading James Clear blogs.
I started going to a wellness coach to talk about food, mainly, but also about other stuff. She recommended the book Constant Cravings to me. I find that she’s a good perspective to have. I only go once a month, and I feel good doing something about my health.
Sometimes I have really bad days, bad moments. You probably won’t see me posting on those days. But maybe I’ll tell you about the meditation class I signed up for and failed so hard at in my next post.
Ok, that’s all for now. I bid you adieu, and pew pew pew!
Well hello there!
I found a very interesting article on how to choose a creative medium. If you want to make art / express yourself / be creative, but are overwhelmed by the choices out there and possibilities (sculpting, film, painting, poetry, music, performance art, dance, animation, Etc) this post may help.
Good movie shout it: the following are three movies that are really great in my opinion. They all have powerful and empowering messages. Some of them (Speak and The Diary of a Teenage Girl) delve into pretty dark matter. Bread and Butter is lighter. All of them have good endings and are great movies.
Speak is a book by Laurie Halse Anderson. I read it in college (not for class) and loved it immensely. This is the movie trailer for the movie. Yes, that is a young Kristen Stewart.
Diary of a Teenage Girl
Today I went to see my friend R. He said the concept behind moving on from hurt, is staying busy. Go do things, social things, go to all the things! I also want to explain a little about my break up. I didn’t write here beforehand, that it wasn’t making me happy. I just said it was going great. But the truth was there were things that made me unhappy and I felt like we weren’t compatible and that it was not the right timing for me. I actually wanted to be single too! I missed it. I decided to break up with him. At first, I thought it was an impulsive decision. But after talking to my therapist, I now see that I was thinking about it for a while, just not saying things to people. I don’t regret my decision to break up with him. But I do regret messaging him 2 days later. It was impulsive, and I told him I missed him. He was very nasty to me in his response, which, while making me realize how immature he is (I was not nasty to him when I broke up with him), also hurt a lot. It was a long and unsolicited message on who he thinks I am as a partner, and basically closed the door on any communication or future for a relationship of any kind. It really did hurt. I’m not sure why, but my whole life, I’ve been sensitive to mean comments. Like I really take them to heart. But I have a lot of support in my life. There are people who care about me, want the best for me, and I care about them too!! My mom and my friend K come to mind. So I know that I have been triggered.
Anyway, while R says that the key to moving on is keeping busy (and I agree!), I will balance processing my feelings about what happened and also giving myself time to focus on other things! I have a tendency to lament and mope when I’m alone (it just comes naturally, haha), and I think too much of this is unhealthy.
If anybody has any ideas on how to move on from hurt, feel free to post a comment. If you’re going through a difficult time, know you have my ❤
Today, I got a haircut. I already have short hair, but it was getting super shaggy in the back. It was a good price too (10$ at Supercuts), and my hairdresser was sweet and pleasant. 🙂
I had therapy yesterday…yay! I love therapy and my therapist. 🙂
I am wanting to express myself in a major way. I’m not exactly sure how or in what fashion. I suppose I will try out a bunch of creative ways.
There are people in my life who care about me. 🙂 My mom, my friend Kath, and you know what? I think just maybe, people miss me when I’m not there at places like meditation group. I’m proud of myself and what I’m doing.
I have found a bunch of cool videos from around the internet. I’d like to share some here. Maybe you’ll think they’re cute / funny / informative / helpful like I did too:
All By my Selfie, a short film by Tiny Buddha (Lori Deschene and other people).
Why are people so nasty?
A brief (and very cute) history of goth 🙂
Interesting thoughts on loneliness ❤
I’m not sure what to say. I had a really hard week last week (and on Sunday went to the ER), and I’m doing better today. I woke up feeling better. It helped that the roads were clear of snow so I could go out. My appetite is back too.
And I’m Ok. I wrote this in my journal: “I’m fucking proud of myself. I broke up with someone I felt was wrong for me, even though I was scared to. Total Amy empowerment!”
This is a really good article on psychological and emotional trauma. It gives some very good tips out on how to recover from trauma as well, something I experienced in 2013-2015, and left me unable to work. I actually think I have been traumatized multiple times, from multiple things over my lifetime. I think it’s one of the reasons its been so difficult to work in the past. Check it out.
I’m sick. It’s in my throat but the doctor says it doesn’t look like strep. I must have a cold or virus of some sort. It’s been like this for a week on and off. Also Trump won. I posted something hopeful on Facebook, but I really can’t deal with the internet today, and honestly, I am still processing my feelings and thoughts about this.
Today is a day for journaling and making soup.
I am still struggling with / working on showing up. I probably always will. I will have good days and bad days. The concept of brain neuroplasticity gives me hope though. I went to zumba today, and it felt good. 🙂
I am realizing, that I have been hurt in the past, and it still shows up in my life today. In my thoughts and the way I act.
I am kind of wanting to go back to dance class. I haven’t gone in over a month. I hope it’s ok that I show up. I’ll find out next week. I love dance. It feels good, and I’m actually good at it too.
I am still seeing the guy, J. 🙂 He’s pretty great. 🙂
I’m coming to learn to embrace what comes easily to me, and what I enjoy. For some reason, I have always thought that these things weren’t meaningful enough. They blended into the background of my mind-scape.