Today is a good day for journaling and making soup

I’m sick. It’s in my throat but the doctor says it doesn’t look like strep.  I must have a cold or virus of some sort.  It’s been like this for a week on and off.  Also Trump won.  I posted something hopeful on Facebook, but I really can’t deal with the internet today, and honestly, I am still processing my feelings and thoughts about this.

Today is a day for journaling and making soup.

 

Happy Saturday :)

I am still struggling with / working on showing up.  I probably always will.  I will have good days and bad days.  The concept of brain neuroplasticity gives me hope though.  I went to zumba today, and it felt good.  🙂

I am realizing, that I have been hurt in the past, and it still shows up in my life today.  In my thoughts and the way I act.

I am kind of wanting to go back to dance class. I haven’t gone in over a month.  I hope it’s ok that I show up.  I’ll find out next week.  I love dance. It feels good, and I’m actually good at it too.

I am still seeing the guy, J.  🙂  He’s pretty great.  🙂

Grow

I’m coming to learn to embrace what comes easily to me, and what I enjoy.  For some reason, I have always thought that these things weren’t meaningful enough.  They blended into the background of my mind-scape.

Checking In

Hello! I have been meaning to write for a while, and also forgetting to write for a while.

New with me:

1.) I’m seeing someone. I have been getting out more too. I had really been on track of daily exercise at the gym M-Th. Since I’ve started seeing someone, that’s been derailed though, which frustrates me. We met 2 weeks ago, and while I keep saying I want it to go slow, I like him a lot, and it feels like it is going really fast (he wants me to meet his family next week, but I declined, we use hearts and kiss faces in our texts, and he has told me many times he sees a future with me and likes me a lot.). I like him a lot too! I just need to learn to compartmentalize. And I think we’re at different places with this, though he said he wants to move at my pace and not pressure me and he’s not going anywhere. Which makes me really happy. I’m not used to that. I’m not used to guys accommodating me, and it’s amazing. I still feel internal pressure to please him, but old habits die hard, and I’m working on it.

2.) I took a Chinese language lesson (2 weeks ago) and am going to join a class this week.

3.) I have been missing therapy. Which is good and bad. Good, because I have been spending less money on therapy, and it also means I haven’t felt like I needed Liz, which means I’m becoming less dependent. But I also really miss her! I was going to go last week, and felt sick so had to cancel. Looking back, maybe it was psychosomatic. A lot of people are sick lately, and also I was stressing about stuff.

4.) I started volunteering at the nursing home!!! I’m going back next week. 🙂

I hope everyone is having a good week. 🙂

Here’s a happy song I just discovered and love.

Impulsivity: reeling it back in

I feel like I’ve gotten kind of lax on myself when it comes to being impulsive. I wrote something impulsive and emotional related on facebook, again, which I erased. I also was really stupid and contacted the 25 year old library clerk who just wants sex. I want to thank my mom for talking me out of meeting him on Monday. Some people don’t listen to their parents at all. I do. Me and my mom don’t agree with everything, but with issues like this, she’s like my conscience. I was not feeling good about having contacted him.

Good things:
1. I’ve been doing more social things and following through. I’m so proud of myself!
2. I’m sitting here drinking peppermint tea, listening to a music mix that includes Explosions in the sky, wye oak, diet cig, radiator hospital, and ps eliot.
3. I took a Chinese language class today and liked it. A lot!
4. You know what, I think I should stop running away from what I perceive as “boring.” I read in a self help book once, that healthy relationships can be boring! Sometimes I think that boring is my compass. Just like people say, “what you fear is your compass to what you need to go towards.” I need to go towards the “boring.”
5. I’d like to find other ways to amuse and entertain myself besides impulsively buying cupcakes, talking to unhealthy men, and posting negatively fueled posts on Facebook. Let’s do this. Doodle, draw, write a story, paint, listen to a music mix that matches my emotions, or lifts me up. Find the silver lining in everything. Start writing daily gratitude lists again! Meditate daily! Your body, soul, and mental health will thank you. Call or IM a friend. Make a collage of how I want to live and who I want to be. Visualize.
6. Despite the fact that I have been impulsive lately, I’m actually really proud of myself that I’m catching myself, and being clear and aware of it. That’s huge for me.

A comic about deep sadness

This is a comic I made in July / August of this year.  I really did go through a hard time when I ended my relationship with my best friend (and ex).  Talking to other people, journaling, and distracting myself helped, but making this comic really helped me move through the worst parts of my feelings.  Would like to share it here.

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Dating and relationships, or, what I’m doing with my life (not dating duds)

I wanted to talk a little about dating and relationships. I am thinking about it, because of the recording of Trump degrading women that came out recently. I want to say that I have been on a journey to self respect in terms of dating and what types of behavior I will and will not accept from other people towards me. I used to date a crap ton of jerks, starting with the very first guy I dated when I was 18. He cheated on me, and it had a huge effect on me. It made me feel horribly insecure, and like I wasn’t worth anybody’s love or time. The first guy I lost my virginity to was manipulative, and I got a feeling he was going through something, but I wanted to lose my virginity so badly, that I didn’t listen to my intuition. He dumped me a few days later, which was scarring. Those teenage chick flick movies I’d romanticized over so much, were just plain lies. I did date one guy, my senior year in college, who did treat me well for the most part, and didn’t just want to sleep with me. But for many reasons, it didn’t work out. For 5 years, up until this summer, I was best friends with an ex, and I let him treat me poorly, because I was lonely, and addicted to my relationship with him. From the time I was 30-32, I dated online. There was so much disrespect there it wasn’t even funny. I don’t really understand how people do online dating. It has never worked out for me. I am still on this journey toward self respect, I’m sure, but lately, I have been very proud of myself, because I am no longer accepting disrespectful behavior towards me in dating and relationships. Over the summer, I cut ties with the ex / best friend, and while it was actually very hard at first, and I still miss him, I believe what I did is already benefitting me. I’m starting to face the things I avoid, and while it’s difficult, challenging, and my progress doesn’t go in a straight line, I never would be doing it if I was still spending time with him.

The last time I went on a date, was over the summer. He was a library clerk who I thought was really nice and friendly. He was 25 though, and while our first date was nice, our second one raised a ton of red flags for me and he showed me who he really was. He drove me to my car after a movie we’d gone to, and we kissed, which led him to then become a horny animal who couldn’t control himself. While a part of me liked it, a more mature, alert, wise Amy said: “Amy this is not right. This is your second date and you know nothing about this person. Even the things he is saying to you is raising flags and I think he is going to hurt you if you continue anything with this guy. Don’t stick around to find out how.” So I left, and while getting out of the car, he groped my ass. I told him not to touch me, and shut the door. Despite my past, I still have hope that I’ll meet a nice guy someday (I know some already, actually), and if I meet him, great! If I don’t, just know that in the meantime, I’m not spending my time on duds anymore. That time goes to living my life: listening to great music, reading all the books my heart desires, being kind to others (it’s contagious, you know), dancing, working on myself (I’m the only person I can change), being assertive, writing, blogging, learning new things, and so much more! I’m also seriously considering getting a cat. 🙂 So in the famous words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I’ve got to say about that. I’m not going to comment more on Trump, except to say that I think he sets a bad example for other men, and women. I have friends and family members who are voting for him, and in the words of director Liz Manashil, “If you vote for Trump, you’re still a friend to me! If you vote for Hillary, you’re still a friend to me, too! Third party voters? Go ahead, it’s your right! Nobody’s perfect.”

 

happy-kitteh

Willpower, early mornings

Hi 🙂

So I’m reading a book called The Willpower Instinct.  I literally just purchased it.  Its very good so far and I am feeling optimistic that I could use this as a successful tool to help me overcome my issue with avoidance.  I say this with the implication that I innately know what’s best for myself.  I never really used to think that (that I knew what was best for myself) because I didn’t get a lot of validation from my mom when I was younger.  And sometimes even therapists didn’t validate me either. Or would tell me what they thought about my situation, and I’d take on their perception of it.  But anyway, I do think using this book could help me (it already is), and I could even blog about my progress through it.  It is kind of like a workbook, and meant to take 10 weeks to finish.

My neighbors came home from their vacation early.  They drove down to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina on Saturday, intending to stay 2 weeks.  I was bringing in their mail.  But SC is literally being evacuated now for Hurricane Matthew!  That has got to be scary.  What if you had nowhere to go?  Where would you go?  I hope everyone stays safe.

I’ve been waking up at 7am lately.  Like, on purpose.  Like, I set my alarm for that time.  I read things about getting up really early, here and there.  A writer gets up at 5am to write for 3 hours and watch the sunrise.  A business executive wakes up at 6 to swim many kilometers and run.  This is amazing to me, and so inspiring, so I wanted to try it.  So, I’m doing it.  The only thing is, I don’t have a very good morning routine.  I literally get up and check my email, Facebook, and lament about how I don’t feel like going to exercise class, and hem and haw about it, and 50% of the time, I don’t go, even though I enjoy it and it makes me feel good.  So this is not cool!  And this is something I want to actively work on!  I mean, I get up at freaking 7am.  The least I could do is make it a beautiful morning.  I will let you know my progress.

I hope everyone everywhere is having a lovely day.  And if not, well, here’s a little sticker for you:

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(Image by “The Latest Kate“)

 

 

Out in the world, random movie plug, and Conan

Today I did many (3) “Out-In-The-World” social type things.  1. I met with someone at a nursing home to talk about volunteering and get a tour of the facility. I really feel like it went well, and she gave me lots of paperwork to bring home and fill out.  2. I met with my peer mentor.  She is a very bright individual, who gives me hope.  I always enjoy talking to her.  3.  I went to a women’s movie night through Meetup.com.  We saw “Bridget Jones’ Baby.”  It was very chick flickey, but it was also delightful, sweet and entertaining.  I enjoyed speaking with the other women there too.    Phew!  Now I’m tired.

I have been thinking about the movie “Hello I Must Be Going” lately.  Especially the part where Amy rediscovers her passion for photography.  The trailer does not do this movie justice.  It’s about more than just a woman dating a 19 year old.

 

Wanna laugh? Last night I watched this and couldn’t stop laughing.